Friday, September 26, 2014

Get Rich or Die Trying

 Of all the things I've been through, I never thought the biggest thing I'd struggle with was being self-absorbed. This has become more and more apparent to me as the days roll by. This might just be yet another in the long list of inconvenient side-effects from my injury. I definitely have more information to process, what with errant nerve impulses and amnesia-inflicted muscles. But I think I've let that reasonable possibility expand in to something more dangerous; an excuse for withdrawal from the synapses of day-to-day activity.

Solitary refinement.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Amazing Asininity

I need one 'o these. Image courtesy of Wiki

I've neglected my gaming hobby recently. Been grinding away at a few comics and my attempts at digital art (started a progress album here), not to mention real life. This has left me with little time for my interactive escapism habit. There's many a legitimate reason for slow updates but there's absolutely no reason for the type of mail I received yesterday (with regards to my Skyrim mod list). 

Now, I've received a few rather heated "requests" for my updates recently, but this one takes the cake for sheer bluntness. I've placed it after the break below. 

WARNING: NSFW (language)

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Tinfoil Engage

In a post I made on my birthday, The Year of the Metal Rabbit, I titled the post by coming up with what I initially thought was a random idea; This 'idea' was achieved simply by combining my Chinese zodiac animal with a play of words on the fact that I have a metal plate in my neck. 
The year of the rabbit became The Year of the Metal Rabbit.

A couple of nights ago I happened to be researching a bit about the zodiac rabbit (I knew relatively little about it up until then). Scrolling through the walls of text, I was getting bored with the supposedly definitive personality traits when something interesting caught my eye. Here's where it got a little strange. 

This'll make sense in a moment. Source

edit: Just found out how to use page breaks properly. Whoop whoop. BAM! PAGE BREAK!

Friday, September 19, 2014

Hobby Lobby

I want to start making time for a few hobbies, plus sharing is (apparently) caring, so here's a project I'm currently busy with. Though not finished in any way, I though I'll share a sneak-peak just to give some insight in to the creative process. 

I managed to dig up a few pencil illustrations I did a good few years back. These are currently being "updated" for a more modern and finished look. Haven't used Photoshop in years so it was a good excuse to jump back on the wagon (lost my talents due in large part to my broken neck, among other factors).

Also, because of my life's rather sad but ultimately eventful course, it makes sense that I'd have a hero complex at the time I initially made these, which is pretty clear to see in the WIP that follows. 


(I feel like and am indeed a novice all over again, so any advice is welcome.)

Bat Soup

Original pencil (no tracing)

Black & white: (More organic than using a 'pen tool' to trace lines)

Shows layers of initial brush work.

A bit of level tweaking  and outline refinement.

These are just the first of many. Planning on making a complete album.

Original pencil with ink

Acrylic painting on canvas

Basic 'updated' version

Hope you like. More soon.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Man Down

Last of the Old Guard

I've neglected this vent-o-matic (ie blog) more than I'd like to recently, but I haven't given up on posting, nor have I lost motivation for producing. I'm trying to eradicate my sporadic posting habit and settle in to something more regular so this is my attempt at an 'update'.

My grandfather passed away at the end of last week. Rapid-onset Pneumonia was attributed as cause. This sad moment and a few other lemons, coupled with life's usual ins and outs, have kept me away from any prolonged solo endeavors such as this Bloggedy Blog. (With regards to the other lemons that I haven't specified; I struggle with knowing what to share and what constitutes a breach of the infamous TMI... So I'll keep them in the lemonade for now ._.)

So... With my relatively serious injury (detailed in a previous post here), my tenacity for exercise has frequently left my muscles exhausted. I've over-exerted myself once again during this past week and it showed, last night especially, in a way that few know about (and is the reason for me having to leave my last job). 

Last night I was together with relatives on the seventh night of my Pops' (grandfather) passing. This is considered a holy night, as the majority of my family is Muslim and thus we've been following Islamic burial rites. Towards the end of one of the last prayer sessions, I could feel something was wrong and headed for the bathroom, just in time for a tactical (otherwise known as vomit). If you're ever in a house full of people, hearing you heave is the last thing you want people to remember. 

*Just so you know, trying to throw up quietly is really hard.*

Why did this happen? Long story short, the tightness of my stomach muscles restricts my stomach's ability to expand, especially when trying to gain weight like I am. So if I try to eat more than a small portion, I take the gamble of having to defeat abdominal spasms before those critical nutrients are properly absorbed. The movement and exercise during this past week (with no time for thorough stretching), left me with an aggravated case of this weird stomach condition, just another consequence of breaking my neck. 

My progress inevitably gets affected as the exhausted muscles are stressed, plus with the added distractions of external situations, my brain struggles to maintain control of everything. 

A normal spinal chord. My C5 is gone. 

People wonder why I need so much time for myself. I'd obviously prefer it if I didn't and that a broken neck didn't affect my social life or even life in general;. But it has. I want to set the record straight and I guess this is as good a place as any to attempt provision of insight in to my reasons; for doing what I do. 

So what's the main reason?

At the moment I can't ever focus all of my attention at any time, as this means I lose conscious control of my weaker muscles, setting my physical (and mental) development back further. 

The amount of 'consciousness' you need for something as simple as conversation is crucial for cranial computing of any kind. I need this portion of my consciousness, for the complexity of having an added layer to my thoughts, of having to manage usually-subconscious movements that other people don't need to think about.

Think about it this way; Imagine you're trying to listen to someone talk (really listen), but there's an earphone blaring in your one ear, and behind this person is your absolute favorite chocolate, for free, open and ready just meters away, already looking like it's going to melt away if you don't get to it in time... 

Do you think you'll be able to listen to what that person is saying?

At this moment in my life, even when I really want to listen to someone, that earphone is always blaring and the chocolate is inches away... only the music's crap and the chocolate's dark...



Saturday, September 6, 2014

November 2ThousandEleven

The Year of the Metal Rabbit

In my early twenties, relatively carefree and happy, I was satisfied with the direction my life was headed. We all know though, with just a splinter of a second, the blink of an eye or a fraction thereof, absolutely everything can change. My accident and the shock of what happened to me can be so easy to forget, by everyone else yes, but perhaps more so by myself...

This is the way life works. The cogs wind, the wheels turn and people move on with their own journeys. The important thing to remember is how a life-altering event affects you and what you ultimately decide to do about it. 

Applying this new-found knowledge to the present as well as future is tantamount to ensuring survival. That's why I've decided to put my life's ill-fated XP to good use, in the hopes that perhaps there's someone out there who'll take something positive out of these ramblings, whether by reading something that resonates, or just enjoying the pretty pictures I'll inevitably start posting to, you know, express my creativity. o_o

Levity aside, to make this life-altering event brief and easily-digestible, I've left out quite a lot of context and history. My mom passing away two months before this memory happened is, unfortunately, just one example of many, but this post is for motivation and the focus on looking forward. So to put it simply  
That's all in the past. 
What I do want to do here is share one of my bigger triumphs, so please take the time to read it if you can. (I'll edit it later and add some kitten pics if you like)

Almost three years ago now, the 28th of November started out as a damn fine day. Finally having bagged an enjoyable movie role, I was on a beach somewhere vibrant and happy, beautiful people frolicking everywhere. On set for this movie, some Bollywood generic about cricket and love. The skies are clear, a gentle breeze more than enough to help tolerate the scathing sun. 

That sunshine was everywhere, harsh and rejuvenating at the same time. I remember my proudly-ripped torso roasting in the heat as I sat, soaking up all that golden goodness. As I'm waiting for my next scene I begin to doze off, the sun's rays gently injecting their anesthesia as my eyes draw closed. I'm awakened rather unceremoniously, my narcissism promptly cut off as my best friend announces his presence;
"Wrof! Wroof wrof!" (Dog bark 2.0)

I stop my egotistical daydreaming, thinking that the wait for my next scene must be close to over by now. My dog (a white Shepard named Diesel), is my trusted wing-man, fiercely intelligent and real easy on the eyes. For this movie we've been cast as; 
"Typical good-looking bachelor with manly dog, running across sand to show off body".  

So... as you no doubt already imagine, off we go, up and down the beach all sweaty and buff for the cameras. Everything goes smoothly as we shoot, and I can't believe my eyes when an old high-school flame decides to swing by, inflating my ego more, if that was even possible at this point. We don't get much chance to talk while I'm filming but, without trying to sound crude, them signs are looking good. (Two years later a rather sub-par fling materialized, but that's another story!)

Anyway, towards the end of the day's filming, one of the film crew approaches me. He says the director asks if I can do a diving scene, running in to the waves in what I imagine had to look like the well-known Baywatch beef-master David Hoffmeister.

"Why the hell not?" I ask myself. 
This day just keeps getting better... Now I get to show off my athletic diving skills in front of all the hot women. 

Can my head get any bigger?! 

So off I go, leaving Diesel to play in the sand and pester some of the friendly extras who were kind/foolish enough to look after him.
My feet are ready, tensed up and itching to tear through the hot beach sand. One of the crew yells out; 


Cameras start rolling and off I go, running full-tilt down the beach. I sprint through the shallows and make as big a leap as I can, the brief flight gained by my momentum exhilarating in its trajectory and breathtaking in style, or at least that's what my imagination says...
But that's when my world got flipped. That is the exact moment. Seriously, right there at that very split-second is where my life changed completely.


Shattered C5 with immediate and all-encompassing paralysis to be precise. 
My neck bone shattering sounded like thunder in my head. Later I found out that a breaker wave had hit, just as my head went under the surface. That rogue force of nature had enough strength to knock me completely backwards, head-first in to a sand bank. The crack was sickening, I swear I could hear the bone fragments bursting through the surrounding tissue. 

I was face-down and still as a statue, thinking that if I drown I'll have a nice bone to pick with whoever's up there, just watching me die this stupid death. But as luck (let's call it that for now) would have it, a wave came and turned me upright, a welcome wind blowing through my eyelashes announcing my increased chances of survival. 
I chugged air like a vacuum, until another wave took me under again. This happened over and over until I lost count, I remember thinking how "this must be what it feels like to be inside a washing machine.
Eventually I watched myself being lifted up and out of the water by a couple of lifeguards, tight-Speedo'd angels that they are. I passed out just as I was placed in the ambulance.

Woke up in ICU, pipes everywhere, neck brace and metal struts all over the place. Two ops to fuse my vertebrae together with a metal plate in the middle, exactly where my bone used to be. Apparently during the op I bit clean through the aluminium tube running down my throat, subsequently woke up to staff calling me "Wolverine" as recovery was unusually fast, not to mention I just chowed through solid metal. 
Doctors told me I'd probably walk again, maybe get some arm movement back, but my hands were something I'd have to learn to live without.

"There's too much neurological damage and swelling makes it hard to judge, but it's not looking good," the head doctor said. 
The obvious pity and slight condescension in his tone made me angry.

"I'll show him." 

I told myself this repeatedly, clenching fists that refused to respond, my hands as limp as soggy dough. I knew my hands were there, I could FEEL them. They were moving in my mind so why not in real life? 

This and a thousand other thoughts were all vying for attention in a brain vastly overwhelmed. This was and still is a mental battle, of epic proportions, redrawing broken neural bridges and painting my movements back with a mix of imagination and willpower... it's about having to start over with memories and reflexes that everyone else has been developing since birth. I had to re-learn everything

It's amazing the things you take for granted, things like being able to write, or hold someone's hand... simple things like waving goodbye or even the trivial satisfaction of picking my nose. These tiny but significant gestures were all lost to me, or so I thought.

Fast forward two months and I was finally back home. Still major muscle weakness in a few areas and the annoying spasms are always a reminder that there's work to be done. But my hands? They're at about 75% mobility. I can do things I was told were impossible.

Two long and hard years later, I'm typing this out at above-average speed. I can write again, hold hands, drop a beat-down if need be and (to my infinite joy) I can finally dig for any diamonds hidden in my delectable caverns of snot.

There's really not much online at all when it comes to results and efficacy of treatments, or for dealing with an injury like this in the long-term. I've scoured the net looking for people who've made as much improvement as I have but no such luck. This is why I've chosen to share my life's more dramatic moments (there's always more). And of course there's that ever-lingering MOTIVATION of running on to a sports field again. 

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

"Unos dias procul a vicis." - One day at a time.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Meandering Motivation

Lost in Skyrim

Two years gone by. Over two years in fact, filled with chapter after ridiculous chapter in a life that can only be described as an incessant bombardment of curve-balls and angry lemons, interspersed with the occasional silver lining to remind one of the worth of life. While I'm still not ready to share my "adversities", my life has settled well enough. So I thought I'd start a more unconventional self-development by doing something a bit different; below this picket fence of text lies a few screenshots from one of my all-time favorite games, the results of countless of hours of modding, tweaking, crashing and every other word you'd use for a phoenix analogy. 

Hopefully I can get some clear direction out of this weird ambition and make something worthwhile...

My idea is to try and emulate myself and my own journey through fantastical media. Either that or it's just an excuse to make shiny stuff that people like looking at. Either way, enjoy.