Man Down

Last of the Old Guard

I've neglected this vent-o-matic (ie blog) more than I'd like to recently, but I haven't given up on posting, nor have I lost motivation for producing. I'm trying to eradicate my sporadic posting habit and settle in to something more regular so this is my attempt at an 'update'.

My grandfather passed away at the end of last week. Rapid-onset Pneumonia was attributed as cause. This sad moment and a few other lemons, coupled with life's usual ins and outs, have kept me away from any prolonged solo endeavors such as this Bloggedy Blog. (With regards to the other lemons that I haven't specified; I struggle with knowing what to share and what constitutes a breach of the infamous TMI... So I'll keep them in the lemonade for now ._.)

So... With my relatively serious injury (detailed in a previous post here), my tenacity for exercise has frequently left my muscles exhausted. I've over-exerted myself once again during this past week and it showed, last night especially, in a way that few know about (and is the reason for me having to leave my last job). 

Last night I was together with relatives on the seventh night of my Pops' (grandfather) passing. This is considered a holy night, as the majority of my family is Muslim and thus we've been following Islamic burial rites. Towards the end of one of the last prayer sessions, I could feel something was wrong and headed for the bathroom, just in time for a tactical (otherwise known as vomit). If you're ever in a house full of people, hearing you heave is the last thing you want people to remember. 

*Just so you know, trying to throw up quietly is really hard.*

Why did this happen? Long story short, the tightness of my stomach muscles restricts my stomach's ability to expand, especially when trying to gain weight like I am. So if I try to eat more than a small portion, I take the gamble of having to defeat abdominal spasms before those critical nutrients are properly absorbed. The movement and exercise during this past week (with no time for thorough stretching), left me with an aggravated case of this weird stomach condition, just another consequence of breaking my neck. 
My progress inevitably gets affected as the exhausted muscles are stressed, plus with the added distractions of external situations, my brain struggles to maintain control of everything. 

A normal spinal chord. My C5 is gone. 

People wonder why I need so much time for myself. I'd obviously prefer it if I didn't and that a broken neck didn't affect my social life or even life in general;. But it has. I want to set the record straight and I guess this is as good a place as any to attempt provision of insight in to my reasons; for doing what I do. 

So what's the main reason?

At the moment I can't ever focus all of my attention at any time, as this means I lose conscious control of my weaker muscles, setting my physical (and mental) development back further. 
The amount of 'consciousness' you need for something as simple as conversation is crucial for cranial computing of any kind. I need this portion of my consciousness, for the complexity of having an added layer to my thoughts, of having to manage usually-subconscious movements that other people don't need to think about.

Think about it this way; Imagine you're trying to listen to someone talk (really listen), but there's an earphone blaring in your one ear, and behind this person is your absolute favorite chocolate, for free, open and ready just meters away, already looking like it's going to melt away if you don't get to it in time... 

Do you think you'll be able to listen to what that person is saying?

At this moment in my life, even when I really want to listen to someone, that earphone is always blaring and the chocolate is inches away... only the music's crap and the chocolate's dark...
 Yuck.

18/09/2014